yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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