Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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