my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
