Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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