upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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