I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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