i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize