Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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