Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Randomize
