Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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