You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
