my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize