My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
