My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
