can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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