Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
