she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
