im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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