I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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