Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
