I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
