3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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