Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
