My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize