my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Randomize
