theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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