I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
