My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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