Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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