9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
