New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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