He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i will never coherently bang her
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
