a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
