Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
