She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
