his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize