she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sext me about skeletons
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
