Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
