I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
