Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
