Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
