going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
