its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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