New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
