if you like me you must not know who I am
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize