Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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