oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just invented taco cereal.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
