Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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