Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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