ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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