There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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