gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize