Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
