So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
