I just cut my nipple shaving
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
