so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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