he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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