Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
