i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
