She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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