Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
