i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
