walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize