Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
