I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
