i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
