he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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