I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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