areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
