Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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