The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
