Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
