I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
