i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
