the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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